Disorder: a state of confusion.
Order: the arrangement or disposition of people or things in relation to each other according to a particular sequence, pattern, or method.
I argue the disorder is only confusing to a limit. The way my brain works, i guess, is I get in a state of disorder, so that I can put the pieces back together. A puzzle metaphor for life. Each time I put the puzzle back together, i learn something new. I always see the same picture at the end though. It’s beautiful, because it’s me.
It is not always confusing to be in disorder, which can be a contradicting statement. Well, confusion can become comfortable. The mind will reorganize reality to make it make sense, to the disordered. Even if that new found order is not true, the order that came to you in your state of disorder, there is still something to think about.
The confidence in your reality does not mean that you are in order. It can, but it can also mean that you are comfortably believing in something that is not real, like a psychosis moment. Not all psychoses need to be comfortable, but they all become familiar until you decide to reassess and reorganize.
Störung: trouble, disturbance, fault, disorder, interference, disruption, perturbation, interruption, jamming, upset, intrusion.
That is the word used in German to define what is used in English for “disorder”: Störung. It is more honest, I believe, as an assessment of how disorders are perceived by those without them. But as a disordered person, I like to think of myself as an expert in organizing. Because my brain may be a bit naturally disorganized, I am encouraged by survival and desire for a good quality of life to organize.
I like to tidy up my mind every day, and hope to be the Marie Kondo of mental health.
What brings you joy? What brings me joy is accurate communication. That sort of thing takes time and reverence to capital H – History. History is more than that of human, but universal. We balance our brains like gravity pushes things together. It secures us, holding us like a loved one does, allowing us to be who we are. We don’t always say what we want, because of inaccuracies and limitations to knowledge bound in a linear timeline. Usually, you read in order from left to right, starting at the top left corner. And even that depends on what culture you are under. If you are patient enough to get to the last character in the last word, and see it through to punctuation, you might understand something true. But there is always interplay, the different forces pulling us in different directions. Our minds are malleable and mold to it, giving us ideas like, poetry is for the empathetic. The lie is inherently less accurate. I know, i’ve said it. True in context, but The Truth doesn’t need context to remain so.
Apocrypha: The history of the term’s usage indicates that it referred to a body of esoteric writings that were at first prized, later tolerated, and finally excluded.
Who decides things get excluded, and why, doesn’t always make it in the history books. It is those people that make realities happen that are written about. But those who erase or in any way, for good or bad, exclude realities, are not celebrated the same.
I want to be a part of elucidating, making clear, those collective psychoses that seem to be a symptom of any culture. For example, the phenomena of a person’s mind being made up, an opinion set in stone, and how that impacts communication. When something is accepted and the hard truth, sacrifices are made easier than they would be if there was more room for compromise. Truths change over time, but true communication never does.
I understand the idea of fuck you. It is a sentiment of vehemently (even can be violently) agreeing to disagree. But let us recognise when we are doing that, and let us recognise the consequences of such.
When we politicate our love, like our sexual, emotional, and intellectual feelings, we start to blur the sight of why we are choosing, fuck you. That statement in this context, ironic as it is, stones those who feel ashamed for feeling a way different from the order that is in place.
For a disordered person, those feelings are sometimes all we have. The thought structures provided by our culture are not enough to intellectualize, in a short amount of time, what we are feeling. Sometimes, that ordered culture is even in opposition to our feelings, true feelings that are being kinda squashed by some force.
Sometimes you can see the forces in the form of policies in government, and opinions on social media. Other times you cannot see them, because they are in a collective blind spot, and they can be systematically working against those considered in disorder.
Those mechanisms might have been set in place to do this, keep those that are disordered from entering into the accepted order.
But, in my opinion, more likely, those mechanisms were set in place without consideration to the disordered, because the disordered usually come without accurate definition. Aside, that is why the DSM (psychology bible) changes as time moves on and new editions come out. Without defined outlines, it is hard to build accessible structures.
Some people stop thinking about accessibility after the wheelchair parking places have been painted, while others consider ramps and elevators and larger bathroom stalls. It never stops for the soul, and only the lazy and greedy choose to stop expanding accessibility. Our culture, and therefore our tools to communicate need to be reassessed on a rapid cadence, because order is only that which we can accommodate for.